By Jim Hunt
As I made way down the aisle to find my seat, I arrived at row 14 and stared at guy seated in 14D and I nodded to the middle seat, 14E. He looked up as if the Grim Reaper had come for him and shuffled around before getting up and letting me squeeze by him into my seat. I noticed the prim lady in the window seat and she looked away and buried her nose in a book. I buckled my seat belt and settled into this uncomfortable “sandwich” for a two hour flight to DC, then on to Pittsburgh.
At 6’4”, I realize that I was not the person they wanted to spend time with in these cramped quarters but I smiled and tried to be as nice as possible. As I put my AirPods in and turned on my favorite playlist, I sensed that their plan was to assert their dominance and claim both armrests and a good portion of the floor space with assorted Gucci bags and matching purse.
Immediately, I realized that my seat mates were married and had taken the chance that no one would be in the middle seat.
Since it appeared my seat mates were committed to shifting around to squeeze me further into the middle seat, I decided to take some affirmative action to at least avoid an awkward situation. I rang the call bell and asked the flight attendant for some additional air sickness bags and, although she didn’t ask, I said I had the Mexican bean burrito breakfast in the terminal and was feeling some rumbling! I noticed Mrs. Thurston Howell III moving her designer bags a little further away from me and hugging the outside armrest. Hubby didn’t seem to care but he decided to attack from a different front. He crossed his legs and had his foot dangling in front of me.
Mid-flight, I had closed my eyes and was listening to my music when I heard a loud conversation and opened my eyes to hear the couple talking. She was saying that after this disgusting travel, she needed to take her jewelry in to have it cleaned. I decided to join the conversation and told her that my wife used bacon lard to clean her rings and if she gave me her email address, I’d be happy to have her share her secret. I said it loud enough that others could hear and “Lovey” seemed aghast that others heard her speaking to me. I then asked her if she watched “The Price is Right” and told her that my ex-sister in law wore a frog outfit to get on the show and meet Drew Carey. She didn’t seem to be interested in continuing the conversation and I drifted off to my music.
As the plane landed in Washington, DC, I pretended to call my wife and tell her about the wonderful lady sitting next to me on the plane. I again, loudly told my ‘wife’ that I had told the lady about her secret cleaning method with bacon lard. I then said to the lady that she could talk to my wife about it while the plane was taxiing to the gate. She screamed “No” and looked at her husband for help. It was uncomfortable, to say the least.
As the plane emptied, I caught a glimpse of a few of my fellow travelers and they smiled at me and one lady even winked! Needless to say, she and hubby will probably not book seats like that again!
