By Stephen Smoot
“He gave to me a gift I know/ I never can repay.”
These words come from Dan Fogelburg’s “Leader of the Band,” a song of regret, of loss, of appreciation, but most of all the lyrical poem serves as an expression of love for his father Lawrence Fogelburg.
Too many children never received this gift, or had the gift ripped from their hands before it could have a positive impact on them and their lives.
Society has long, and rightfully so, held mothers and motherhood in high esteem. Mothers Day in many families rivals birthdays and religious holidays in the amount of care and preparation devoted to its celebration. Restaurants revamp their menus, offer special buffets, and other enticements to families, encouraging them to bring Mom in to get pampered.
On Father’s Day, the best deals seen were a free $10 gift card when one buys a $50 gift card and half-priced drinks. Even if better deals existed somewhere, and hopefully they did, it’s tough to deny that fathers and fatherhood receive a lesser celebration.
The Institute For Family Studies last year published an article that highlighted the disturbing trends behind young people’s reluctance to take up adult responsibilities at the appropriate age. Increasingly, younger people prefer to use their 20s as an extended adolescence.
Pew Research Center in 2023 noted that 25 percent, “a record share” of American adults had not married before the age of 40. Also, for the first time in American history, more US adults between 18 and 55 are single and childless than married with children.
The Institute for Family Studies identifies the decline of fatherhood as a key aspect of the decline of the independence of younger generations and their motivation to accept responsibilities. It stated that “there is mounting evidence that fewer teens are entering their 20-something years feeling prepared to assume the responsibilities and commitments of adulthood.”
The article went on to state that “With a longer marriage horizon stretching out before them, many young people and their parents are framing young adulthood as a sort of ‘extended adolescence’ in the modern life course.” Additionally, “parents today often shield their children from the responsibilities of young adulthood for much longer than previous generations.”
About 20 years ago, Daniel Paquette from the University of Montreal published a study in the journal Human Development. He explained the natural differences between how a father and mother each approach raising a child. One one side, “the mother-child attachment relationship (is) aimed at calming and comforting children in times of stress.” It produces security and comfort in a child.
“Men seem to have a tendency to excite, surprise, and momentarily destabilize children,” wrote Paquette, with the idea that getting children out of their comfort zones confers great benefits.” He added that “they also tend to encourage children to take risks, while at the same time ensuring the latter’s safety and security, thus permitting children to learn to be braver in unfamiliar situations, as well as to stand up for themselves.”
And fathers have a different emotional approach as well, generally focusing on strength and discipline over emotion.
Fogelburg sang “his gentle means of sculpting souls took me years to understand.”
It is not that fathers lack emotion. It is that they understand that in their role, too much expression of emotion undercuts the effectiveness of their teaching.
Fathers earn trust through what experts call a “father-child activation relationship.” Dads have to both approach and be available to gain the child’s trust and respect. Additionally “rough and tumble play” from fathers “encourages obedience and competition skills in children.”
Fogelburg makes a strong point in the song about one of the father’s chief responsibilities. He sang that his father “earned his love through discipline, a thundering velvet hand.” Traditionally, fathers take the lead in teaching values, setting boundaries, and preparing their children for the tough and difficult world to come.
They do it, however, from both love and concern for how their children will confront challenges in the future.
Those who do the job right choose to take on the role of authority figure rather than friend. A true authority figure commands respect, but also has to endure and address the child’s anger, disappointment, or other negative reactions to the enforcement of discipline.
Through the love and direction of able fathers, boys learn how to regulate their emotions and behavior to function in polite society. Girls learn how to set proper boundaries with other males and learn that they have value to males in areas way beyond the biologically fundamental.
It’s a Dad’s lot in life to have his tough approach only appreciated much later on when his child grows into adulthood.
The culture itself has done much to heap ridicule on the roles of fathers. At one point television celebrated fathers and their vital role. Three of the greatest fictional fathers were Sheriff Andy Taylor, Heathcliff Huxtable, and Hank Hill. The first two were played by Andy Griffith and Bill Cosby, respectively. Mike Judge voiced Hill
One of the great moments in television came when Malcolm Jamal Warner, playing his teenage son Theo, expresses his desire to drop out of school and have a “normal” life. He delivers an emotion packed speech about how he just wants his father to love him for who he is, a typical trope used often in situation comedies to set up a situation where the child instructs the parent..
“Dr. Huxtable” allowed a pregnant pause, then exclaimed “Theo . . . that’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard!” and ordered his son to finish high school.
Hank Hill’s character in “King of the Hill” brilliantly shows how a father can love, protect, teach, and raise a child whose mindset he does not always understand.
As the 80s moved into the 90s, subversive themes became popular with fewer Dr. Huxtables and more Tim Taylors and Homer Simpsons. These powerful characters showed fathers as bumbling, foolish, and unable to maintain functionality without their wise wives to save them. They entertained, but also reinforced the idea that fathers were almost superfluous to family development.
Research and negative social developments over the past 20 years indicate that families and children not only need fathers, but require a father’s strength and discipline to thrive.
The legacy of a father lies in how well his children adapt themselves to adult life and how they treat others, including how they raise their own families. Only as adults trying to find their way through the real world do children really start to value what their fathers did for them
Also, “And Papa, I don’t think I said ‘I love you’ near enough,” will be the thought of everyone when their fathers pass, regardless of how much they did.
