Are you considering becoming a parent? If so, there are a few things you need to consider. You need to determine whether you are truly prepared for this experience. So read on and see if you can pass these tests that nearly every parent will encounter in the first few years.
The MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub that on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. And, by all means, also hide a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. When it begins to produce an odor, just follow the scent and you’ll find it.
The TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks and broken bottles. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and try to walk to the bathroom. DO NOT scream as this could wake the child at night.
The GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats would be a good choice!) and take them with you when you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and be prepared to pay for anything they eat or damage.
The DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Try to stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms are inside.
The FEEDING TEST: Find a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Now suspend it from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging, and try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
The NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m., when you will get up, pick up your bag again and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more songs in case you need them and sing these too until 4 a.m. Reset your alarm for 5 a.m. when you will get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for the next few years … and remember to look cheerful!
There are also PHYSICAL TESTS to pass, For women, purchase a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months when you can remove about about 10% of the beans. For men, go to the nearest drug store and set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store, go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited in their account. Purchase a newspaper, go home and read it quietly for the last time!
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they should improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve and emphasize that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience because it will be the last time you will have all the answers!
Parenting is not easy and it does require patience, but I doubt that there are any parents out there who would trade the fingerprints, stains, sleepless nights, spills, household disarray, grocery and medical bills for the chance to sing and dance all night with a baby snuggled in their arms. It may not be funny at the time, but time quickly passes and looking back, it gains humor.
Before you know it, your babies become adults; they leave the nest and have a family of their own, and they too will have to pass these tests AND perhaps develop an appreciation for what you went through.
Hey, if you’re a parent, you’ve been through this, but there are perks as they become adults. Here is an example: I don’t know how long my son spends choosing a Mother’s Day card, but I KNOW he doesn’t just grab one; he ponders their words. They always touch me and I’ve saved every one of them. This year’s card, however, I will NEVER forget. It said, “Mom, you taught me to walk and I learned to fly; you taught me to dream and I learned to try; you taught me to share and I learned to give; you taught me love, and that’s how I live. So much of the person I am comes from you – the amazing woman who raised me.” Then in his own handwriting, he wrote “I’m grateful to have had you as my mother; you made me the person I am today. I love you with all of my heart!” I needed that 55-gallon Lego box to catch all the tears I shed! Was living through all those tests worth it? You better believe it!
Quote of the week: “Parenthood is desperately seeking a break, but not wanting to miss a single moment.” ~ Author Unknown
